Friends,
A couple of things have come up.
First, I emailed the Faith Trust Institute to bring them up-to-date. To my surprise and sorrow, I learned that, due to budget challenges, they no longer have the capacity to do individual advocacy for victims. Because of this, I must retract my recommendation that victims of UU clergy misconduct contact them.
The question now becomes what to advise victims instead? Ultimately, I've learned that this question really is what's the least bad choice. There are no good choices.
Of course, the experience of being a victim varies. With the Faith Trust Institute no longer being an option, I'm more concerned about over-generalizing. Still, given the current realities, I doubt filing a formal complaint with the UUA is going to be the best choice for anyone. A few years ago, it was different, and it could change again, but it seems most unlikely that that will happen any time soon. If it does, I expect you will know. It will probably be accompanied by another apology on the order of the one issued at General Assembly 2000.
Assuming a formal complaint is not a viable option, then what can a victim do? I would suggest a series of things. First off, and I hate to say this, but be very cautious about whom you trust, particularly within your congregational and faith communities. Second, find the rape crisis center or domestic violence shelter nearest you. While hopefully it isn’t rape or domestic violence you have experienced, nonetheless they are likely to know the best resources to help you. For example, they can probably advise you on attorneys to contact.
Speaking of lawyers, this is a topic I've tiptoed around, because of not wanting to be adversarial. However, it’s a virtual certainty that you will need protection, particularly if you are going to do the responsible thing and let the association know that a particular minister has abused their position.
While it should not be that you are attacked and undermined, that’s really the whole point of this blog. The fact is that’s been the experience of every other victim of UU clergy misconduct whom I’ve known. The particulars have varied over the years, but that much is consistent. And for most of us, this subsequent reality has been much worse than the original abuse.
The other big impediment to hiring an attorney is the cost. But think of it as an investment in your happiness and quality of life. It’s as if your house burned down. Yes, insurance should pay everything, but no it won’t. And just because you are hiring an attorney doesn’t mean you are committing to suing anyone. You’re just doing a responsible job of exploring your least bad choices.
The second thing is that several of you have asked me not to take this blog down. It came as a big surprise to me. You really touched me, and I'm very grateful. If I’m hearing you correctly, you are saying to just shut the comments off and stop updating it, but leave it up.
While not wanting to be adversarial is my primary motivation, there are also some personal things that lead me towards taking it down. Some of this is private, but one of those things may be good to talk about a little more.
That’s how this work has again become a shackle for my heart (for lack of a better word). It certainly wasn’t when I began the blog. I wouldn’t have started it if I’d known this would happen.
These days I frequently recall one of the teachers (and a fellow survivor) at the Marie Fortune retreat I attended. She said with great passion, “Don’t let them steal your spiritual practice from you.” By “them” she meant not just the perpetrators, but also the system.
Dear readers, I feel a call to let go and watch the wild geese head home. I want to touch the starlight, laugh with friends, and do what I am good at. I will leave comments on for a few more days, then shut them off, and heed the call of my heart.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Farewell and Godspeed
Dear Friends,
The time has come to take this blog down, and so I will be doing that in the next few days.
When I began it, I had thought that the problems at the UUA were less serious than in fact they are. I had hopes that things were turning a corner – that there was about to be dialog and progress on addressing clergy misconduct.
Unfortunately, almost every month I get more bad news. It puts me in a position where I can only be adversarial, and that was never my intent. I’m glad to help if those who have power want to listen, but I don’t want to fight.
If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this blog, it’s an understanding of how dangerous the current process is for those who have already been hurt by a UU minister. Please spread the word as you are able.
I wish it weren’t so, but for the foreseeable future, I would strongly recommend that victims of sexual misconduct not file a complaint with the UUA. Instead, I would suggest contacting the Rev. Marie Fortune’s Faith Trust Institute. [8/18 update: the Institute can no longer assist individuals. Please see the Postscript for more information.]
Finally, I wanted to say thank you to the many people who have been supportive of this blog, this very difficult work and me. I am grateful beyond words.
My life is a happy one. I’m very lucky and I know it. I pray that some day things will improve for other victims of UU clergy misconduct. And may all of you find wonderful, healthy congregations and ministers, and may your religious lives flourish.
The time has come to take this blog down, and so I will be doing that in the next few days.
When I began it, I had thought that the problems at the UUA were less serious than in fact they are. I had hopes that things were turning a corner – that there was about to be dialog and progress on addressing clergy misconduct.
Unfortunately, almost every month I get more bad news. It puts me in a position where I can only be adversarial, and that was never my intent. I’m glad to help if those who have power want to listen, but I don’t want to fight.
If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this blog, it’s an understanding of how dangerous the current process is for those who have already been hurt by a UU minister. Please spread the word as you are able.
I wish it weren’t so, but for the foreseeable future, I would strongly recommend that victims of sexual misconduct not file a complaint with the UUA. Instead, I would suggest contacting the Rev. Marie Fortune’s Faith Trust Institute. [8/18 update: the Institute can no longer assist individuals. Please see the Postscript for more information.]
Finally, I wanted to say thank you to the many people who have been supportive of this blog, this very difficult work and me. I am grateful beyond words.
My life is a happy one. I’m very lucky and I know it. I pray that some day things will improve for other victims of UU clergy misconduct. And may all of you find wonderful, healthy congregations and ministers, and may your religious lives flourish.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Apologizing As a Good Business Strategy
The Chief Happiness Officer has a wonderful article on the power of apology: A tale of two airlines - Or why every company needs a Chief Apology Officer
Wouldn't a Chief Apology Officer be a great position at the UUA? Not a fun job, of course, but what a ministry. I suspect they'd easily recoup their salary in grateful donations from those who feel heard, rather than disenfranchised. And if Southwest Airlines can do it, surely we can too?
Wouldn't a Chief Apology Officer be a great position at the UUA? Not a fun job, of course, but what a ministry. I suspect they'd easily recoup their salary in grateful donations from those who feel heard, rather than disenfranchised. And if Southwest Airlines can do it, surely we can too?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I Must Answer Yes to Truth
"I must answer, Yes, to truth." Those were words in our closing hymn this morning, echoed moments before in the sermon. I had to bolt for the door, as the waves of sadness hit me.
Don’t get me wrong. It was a wonderful service and sermon. Just very hard. It’s all context isn’t it?
I used to take this idea so earnestly – basically still do. But does the UUA? Or the MFC? When faced with a report of sexual abuse by one their ministers? The sad truth is, of course, that, No, they don’t.
Should UUA leaders read these words, I expect they will be offended. And I’m sorry for that. That's certainly not my intent. But that’s the thing with saying yes to truth, isn’t it? The truth isn’t always what we want to hear. I’m sadder than words can ever say that some in our ministry abuse their power so heinously. But I’m even sadder that those who have the courage to speak this truth are treated as badly as they are.
One other thing from today’s service... Did you know the reason adults finally started seeing Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street happened in the wake of a string of high profile stories about pedophilia? I had no idea. The writers were concerned that by having adults refuse to believe Big Bird, despite the fact that he was telling the truth, they were scaring children into thinking that their parents wouldn’t believe them if they had been sexually abused and that they'd be better off remaining silent.
Go Sesame Street! How I wish victims of UU clergy misconduct could speak. But we’re better off remaining silent. One happy thought: I guess this makes me Big Bird. And how I love Big Bird. But won’t you take me back to Sesame Street?
Don’t get me wrong. It was a wonderful service and sermon. Just very hard. It’s all context isn’t it?
I used to take this idea so earnestly – basically still do. But does the UUA? Or the MFC? When faced with a report of sexual abuse by one their ministers? The sad truth is, of course, that, No, they don’t.
Should UUA leaders read these words, I expect they will be offended. And I’m sorry for that. That's certainly not my intent. But that’s the thing with saying yes to truth, isn’t it? The truth isn’t always what we want to hear. I’m sadder than words can ever say that some in our ministry abuse their power so heinously. But I’m even sadder that those who have the courage to speak this truth are treated as badly as they are.
One other thing from today’s service... Did you know the reason adults finally started seeing Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street happened in the wake of a string of high profile stories about pedophilia? I had no idea. The writers were concerned that by having adults refuse to believe Big Bird, despite the fact that he was telling the truth, they were scaring children into thinking that their parents wouldn’t believe them if they had been sexually abused and that they'd be better off remaining silent.
Go Sesame Street! How I wish victims of UU clergy misconduct could speak. But we’re better off remaining silent. One happy thought: I guess this makes me Big Bird. And how I love Big Bird. But won’t you take me back to Sesame Street?
Monday, July 16, 2007
Today my heart aches
I read the news yesterday about the Archdiocese of Los Angeles settling with victims. Yesterday I thought, "I should be happy for them." Even the headline noted what to me would be the most important -- more important than $660 million. An apology. So I should rejoice for them.
But this morning I turned on the TV and there was a woman just a little younger than me trying to talk to the press and crying. She was so clearly reliving bits and pieces of the horror. She was quite upset, and I was with her. I expect in some measure she is happy and relieved, but the cost is so unimaginably huge. If it were me, when facing the press I would be reliving the horror of not having been heard in the past. Why does it take lawyers and the press to be believed and listened to? What does this say about our religions? What does this say about us?
I bet that's it. That's usually it when I talk to others who have gone through this. UU, Catholic, Episcopalian, Buddhist, male, female, straight, gay, young, old. It doesn't matter. It's all the same. It's not being heard by leadership that is the worst -- much worse than the original horror. And then, the next day, I would feel so very trapped in that reality. That's what breaking the silence does. It traps you there, paralyzing the other parts of your life. I pray for her sake and all the others courageous enough to speak their truth that now they may truly and completely lay this burden down. I pray that the burden will now and forevermore be shouldered by those with power.
And I pray that our faith knows and understands that there, but for the grace of God or sheer dumb luck, go we. Our procedures are in shambles and our leadership does not listen to victims. Just read the policies. It's quite clear whom they listen to. It probably isn't malicious, but it doesn't matter. In a way, that makes it even more devastating. You can bet if the press ever talked to me (please God no), that I would cry my way through talking about UUs hating me for simply speaking the truth -- about how it damaged my life, my family's life, my children's lives and my congregation's life.
Bear in mind I'm part of a success story. I won, my family and congregation are thriving, and still, I sit here aching to my core. It's because of how more recent victims of UU misconduct have been treated. Our leadership is no longer listening.
So I also pray for UU humility. I pray that our leadership has the grace not to feel, much less act, superior to the Catholic leadership. In my most hopeful moments, I hope they connect the dots and realize that Cardinal Mahoney is their face. And the woman crying? She's the face of all congregations damaged by misconduct.
But this morning I turned on the TV and there was a woman just a little younger than me trying to talk to the press and crying. She was so clearly reliving bits and pieces of the horror. She was quite upset, and I was with her. I expect in some measure she is happy and relieved, but the cost is so unimaginably huge. If it were me, when facing the press I would be reliving the horror of not having been heard in the past. Why does it take lawyers and the press to be believed and listened to? What does this say about our religions? What does this say about us?
I bet that's it. That's usually it when I talk to others who have gone through this. UU, Catholic, Episcopalian, Buddhist, male, female, straight, gay, young, old. It doesn't matter. It's all the same. It's not being heard by leadership that is the worst -- much worse than the original horror. And then, the next day, I would feel so very trapped in that reality. That's what breaking the silence does. It traps you there, paralyzing the other parts of your life. I pray for her sake and all the others courageous enough to speak their truth that now they may truly and completely lay this burden down. I pray that the burden will now and forevermore be shouldered by those with power.
And I pray that our faith knows and understands that there, but for the grace of God or sheer dumb luck, go we. Our procedures are in shambles and our leadership does not listen to victims. Just read the policies. It's quite clear whom they listen to. It probably isn't malicious, but it doesn't matter. In a way, that makes it even more devastating. You can bet if the press ever talked to me (please God no), that I would cry my way through talking about UUs hating me for simply speaking the truth -- about how it damaged my life, my family's life, my children's lives and my congregation's life.
Bear in mind I'm part of a success story. I won, my family and congregation are thriving, and still, I sit here aching to my core. It's because of how more recent victims of UU misconduct have been treated. Our leadership is no longer listening.
So I also pray for UU humility. I pray that our leadership has the grace not to feel, much less act, superior to the Catholic leadership. In my most hopeful moments, I hope they connect the dots and realize that Cardinal Mahoney is their face. And the woman crying? She's the face of all congregations damaged by misconduct.
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