The 10 Worst Responses to Misconduct

Top ten lists are such fun. So here's mine. One caution: I'm talking about the responses of those with power, not the powerless and certainly not victims or falsely accused ministers. The latter I keep in my heart, praying for justice.

But here, with no further ado, is my list of the ten worst responses to allegations of clergy sexual misconduct:

10. Boys will be boys. This response barely made the list, because (thank heavens) you hardly hear it any more. It was much more common ten or so years ago. It scraped in, though, because not all perpetrators are male. Nor are all victims female or children.

9. Forget about it. It will take care of itself. I'm told there are two types congregations. While all congregations have their "manure," one type does their best to ignore said manure and the other gets right in there and composts it. It's a bit stinky, but wouldn't you rather be in the second type of congregation?

8. Clergy misconduct is not a problem any more. Some people are told and believe that sexual misconduct is a thing of the past. Personally, I think it has been reduced thanks to both training and better screening of new ministers by the MFC, but it is not gone. This is just a type of denial, which when said authoritatively is quite persuasive.

7. Nuts and sluts -- or (to quote Clinton) "That woman." In other words, blame the victim. Believe it or not, it's still a knee-jerk response in virtually all cases of misconduct. "Nuts and sluts" was a term coined I believe by Newsweek in the early 90s to describe the defense that lawyers use to destroy the credibility of a person in a sexual harassment case.

6. Have you seen a therapist? Therapists can be a wonderful resource, especially to the abused. But this phrase is typically a thinly disguised put-down. Even coming from someone who is well-intentioned, it's likely to infuriate a victim who is looking for justice. So be careful before offering such advice.

5. It's time to move on. This is perhaps the most common face-to-face response a victim will get. Until recently, I found it paralyzing. Now I just laugh, because usually that's exactly what the victim is asking for -- movement and change. It turns out it's a code phrase for "don't bother me."

4. The minister was so good to me. I'm always happy to hear that a person has not been abused by a minister. But just because a minister hasn't been abusive to one person doesn't mean s/he is incapable of abusing someone else. In my experience, abusers are typically very personable and charming. I'm glad to report, however, that not all charismatic UU ministers are abusive. Some are among the most outspoken supporters of victims, and I am deeply grateful for them. Would there were more.

3. Those poor Catholics. Usually this is just a cheap shot -- pretending that UUs are so much more responsive to clergy misconduct. As far as I know, the American Catholics are doing better than us at responding. I think, for example, of the Voice of the Faithful, and wonder, do we need such a group?

2. We're sorry, we can't tell you. This is the response of the MFC to victim complainants -- the net outcome of not sharing the findings with the appropriate parties. I grant that there are many parties the findings should not be shared with. The obvious example is the press. But the findings should at least be shared with affected congregations and victims.

And....

1. Nothing. This has been the response of the UU leadership the past few years. Fortunately, there are signs this is changing. See, for example, the upcoming Board agenda. However, I would caution that to simply do something/anything may be little better. What people like me are looking for in our leadership is a clear effort to do the right thing -- especially for victims and affected congregations. We know they will make mistakes. This is a very difficult area, filled with landmines. But we can tell when the attempt is sincere. All we ask is that our leadership return to the effort of a few years ago and then move forward with it. We're routing for them. We have faith that our association can come up with the best response possible to clergy misconduct before GA 2010. When that day comes, we can celebrate ... and move on.