Why Stay? Part 1

Why do I remain a Unitarian Universalist, caught as I am in its shadow? I imagine readers wondering this. The answer is complicated -- in essence having to do with what counterbalances the bleak reality of misconduct unrepented. I once heard this reality described as a mental moonscape. It made sense to me.

In a way, why I remain changes from day to day, so I may do this as a series -- in part to help me remember the worthwhile and the wonderful about Unitarian Universalism.

Another way of saying this is... how can I keep hope alive? Without hope that things will improve, people like me can't remain Unitarian Universalist. But before I do this, let me be clear what the shadow looks like.

To speak out about misconduct in a church community is to quickly become hated and marginalized -- to become an outcast, as well as a casualty of abuse. It doesn't matter that the minister clearly violated the code of ethics, that you didn't go trumpeting the problem (from the pulpit, to the press, in a lawsuit, etc.), or even that a large number of others experienced something similar. It turns out, and is now well documented, that some people will do anything to protect a beloved minister. It's cruel, and to condone such behavior (directly or indirectly) is shameful. Unfortunately, that's what our current processes can do.

The UUA's director of ministry told me a few years ago of a case where seven women wrote alleging misconduct of minister. The minister circulated their letters around the congregation, the director said, and by the time the UUA was ready to follow-up, all of the women had left. End of case? I don't know, but I think so from the way it was told to me. The minister should have been defellowshipped for this act alone, but the rules about confidentiality don't make that a clear consequence.

Whatever the outcome, the thought of these women haunts me. Does the UUA realize what they lost? People who care enough about their faith to speak up in its midst, rather than just "suing the bastard" or simply walking away, are not your run-of-the-mill congregants. They demonstrate a deep trust in our larger faith. Their trust has already been shattered at least once, but still they believe UUs will do the right thing by them. Instead, it seems we destroy yet another layer of trust. How long can someone remain under such circumstances?

In fact, most of the complainants I know have left not only their congregations, but also their faith. It takes extraordinary support to do otherwise. I was one of the lucky few. For all the people that despised me, there were at least as many who cared and were willing to let me know it. Some were and still are even willing to speak to those with power. While often times their words didn't result in the needed changes, such acts of love and courage make a huge difference to someone like me. They make it possible to remain.