And now for a complete change of pace....I like to think I am a sane person (just a garden variety neurotic, as one of my good buddies put it – making me think I must look something like a petunia). Over the years my favorite technique for not plunging full-tilt into despair when dealing with the ugliness of misconduct is astonishingly simple. I focus on happiness.
Good Books to the Rescue
This began in 1998. I’d been a Buddhist for many years, and had been following the Dalai Lama’s doings for a couple of decades. That year I discovered a pre-publication announcement for The Art of Happiness and ordered it on the spot from amazon.com. It was even better than I had hoped. It remains my all-time favorite of the many books by the Dalai Lama, and one of my top five Buddhist books.
Just listen to its first sentence.
“I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness”
And consider its source.
Next on this new reading list of mine came Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama. It took me over a year to wade through it. In retrospect I wonder if its taking so long wasn’t actually even more helpful – increasing my opportunities to apply its insights in real life.
Righteous Anger is Still Anger
One those pivotal moments happened in my life when I was walking home after an absolutely dreadful day. I knew I was angry and that I had good cause, but all of a sudden it hit me right between the eyes. The person who was suffering most from this anger was me. It really didn’t matter that it was justified. So right then and there, with no further ado, I just let it go. I did an about-face into happiness.
The same model goes for the kind of anger I’ve experienced over the injustices done by the UUA. In the end, getting angry hurts me most. Not to say there is no place for anger, especially the righteous variety. At times it can be a clean-burning fuel that gets me from Point A to Point B faster than anything. Or it can magically melt away parts of the self-hatred and depression that are so much a part of recovering from abuse.
There are no simple answers. The closest I can get to simple on anger is:
- Be aware of it when it’s happening. Don’t let it govern you.
- Be exquisitely careful with what you do with the energy it generates.
- If there is any doubt, do what you can to let it go.
- If letting it go sounds best but impossible or close to it, just do what you can. Baby steps. Me – I try to focus on nature at such moments. What does the sky look like? Are there buds? How does the air smell?
6 comments:
I was looking for something the Dalai Lama said to the effect that no amount of good done by someone guilty of abuse can diminish their responsibility for the harm that they have done. I do believe that he was specifically addressing the issue of clergy sexual abuse. I have not found the exact quote yet but came across this in the process of looking for it -
His Holiness has left us with at least one eminently good idea to live by, in sloughing through the sorry state of affairs that calls itself "spirituality" in this world:
"Whenever exploitation, sexual abuse or money abuse happen," the Dalai Lama says, "make them public."
From - http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/dalai.asp
I like to think that I am doing my bit in that regard. . .
Dear Petunia:
Regarding beauty, remember that a bad hair day (or the like) is always an inner beauty day!
Love,
Daisy
You both make me laugh out loud. Robin, I do indeed think you are doing your bit. And Daisy, where would I be without you?
Well I am happy to hear that I made you laugh out loud uugrrl but I was not actually trying to do so. As it happens however I do intentionally make use of various forms humor in my protest activities. Some of my picket sign slogans are intended to draw smiles and chuckles from the public and they succeed in doing so. The public are particularly amused by my UNSAFE SECT? picket sign slogan.
Well with another judicious Google search I found exactly what I was looking.
Here is the pertinent quote from the Dalai Lama that I wanted to share -
"The fact that the teacher may have done many other good things should not keep us silent."
I found it on this page which is well worth reading.
http://www.diamond-cutter.org/references/dalai-lama-advice.html
The paragraph that precedes that concluding sentence is important. I was only aware of the final sentence before tonight.
"When teachers break the precepts, behaving in ways that are clearly damaging to themselves and others, students must face the situation, even though this can be challenging. 'Criticize openly,' His Holiness declared. 'That's the only way.' If there is incontrovertible evidence of wrongdoing, teachers should be confronted with it. They should be allowed to admit their wrongs, make amends, and undergo a rehabilitation process. If a teacher won't respond, students should publish the situation in a newspaper, not omitting the teacher's name,"
I expect this needs to be understood within the framework of Buddhist polity. Our polity is congregational, but we do have ties to the association and its credentialing power. Buddhists typically don't have even that much. I'm not even sure the word polity applies at all.
From what I know, the result is that abuse is a good deal more common in Buddhist circles than Unitarian Universalist ones. Our way of addressing misconduct may be deeply flawwed, but at least we have one, and it does seem to have some preventative impact.
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