Apologies Part 4: The Congregation

A couple of weeks ago it struck me that my congregation has never apologized for the misconduct. This is in marked contrast to my awareness of the minister and the association. I am keenly aware of the status of apology in both of those cases, and have been for a very long time. The reason the congregation finally came to mind was a combination of reading On Apology and reflecting on it in the context of UU misconduct.

More significant, however, is why this hadn’t occurred to me before. That’s because the church has done so much other good work in this area, that I haven’t felt a need for an apology. They have walked the walk, so perhaps there is no need to talk the talk. The Association, on the other hand, may only have talked the talk.

I’ve only mentioned this fact to a couple of people in my congregation. The risk of talking about it is that someone may interpret this as a request from me or as a necessary next step. I don’t know if that’s the case. If it is, I believe it would be to help the church (as opposed to victims) heal.

Individual Apologies

Over the years, individuals in the congregation have apologized to me for various reasons. All of the apologies have been moving, and many represent ties that bind me to the church now.

The one that struck deepest came after I had spoken about my experience. I’ve only talked twice in public about what I went through. In this case (at a General Assembly years ago), I mentioned how helpful apologies were. To my amazement, a woman from my congregation came up afterwards, grabbed my hands, and with tears pouring out told me how sorry she was. I know this woman well, and she’s not the emotive sort. She’s more of a stalwart humanist UU. To this day, I don’t know what she had to apologize to me about, but I could tell it lifted a huge weight from her heart. For me, even though I didn’t think she owed me one, it was a powerful affirmation that what had happened was not my fault.

Would It Help the Congregation?

Because of being part of apologies like this, I wonder if a congregation’s apologizing would help it? And what of congregations that have not fared as well as mine? Even many years later in a congregation that has healed as much as any, when you talk to older members it’s clear that some still carry shame from those bad days. Usually it’s because the minister duped them into believing that people like me were the problem. It’s painful to realize not just that your minister is untrustworthy, but also that your own judgment of others can be seriously flawed. How can you trust again? What does in mean about congregations and being part of them? Is it all a sham? I know. I had to go through the same learning curve.

I’ve never heard of a UU congregation that’s apologized for misconduct. My bet is not one ever has. But please – prove me wrong. Please write if you know of such and tell the story.