Surviving vs. Happiness

While seeking happiness is a major theme in my life, I hadn’t intended for it to be part of this blog. As much as I’d thought about it (not much), I’d assumed I would blog, and then go off and do what it took to recover from reliving the pain of misconduct.

Well, guess what. That wasn’t working. So, to fold happiness into the blog is primarily a way to keep on blogging about misconduct at all.

My biggest hesitation in doing this was concern about other victims and survivors. I know all too well the sticks that are shaken at victims. Get over it. Move on. Basically, don’t bother me.

And I really, really don’t want this blog to be a stick shaken at victims. It’s all too easy for me to imagine others saying to a victim, “See—she’s over it. Why don’t you just do what she did?” Or worse yet, and actually more likely, a victim might do this to herself. We all have those voices going off in our head, comparing ourselves to others.

When things were at their worst for me, there wasn’t anything much published about happiness, and so I don’t have direct experience of trying to use this as a tool when circumstances are horrific. When I try to imagine, the mind boggles.

I do, remember, though, silver linings in even my darkest days. I particularly recall making fun of the situation with trusted others. There’s an absurd side to misconduct and it’s easy to parody. It’s not something to share beyond the very most trustworthy, but still I do remember those moments as happy and offering much-needed respite.

That’s actually my best guess for victims at the nadir of facing misconduct. There will always be moments of happiness (black humor, a nice walk, a lovely vase of flowers), so just to enjoy them however brief and fleeting. I think it’s essential to honor the pain, to dive into it, really see it for what it is, and emerge for respite as often as necessary and possible.