Responding to Ministry's Opposite

"We are face to face with our destiny, and we must meet it with a high and resolute courage. For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out."

-- Theodore Roosevelt

I subscribe to the most delightful daily quote service -- Creative Idleness by Martha Carrer Cruz Gabriel, a Brazilian artist. This was today's quote, and it seemed related to where my thoughts have been about this blog.

I am wearing out, but I refuse to rust out. I was going at the blog full-speed, hope high, when I was blind-sided by an email from a UU minister. I had trusted this minister and told them about myself and my blog. It's hard to describe this email they sent. The best I can come up with is mean-spirited and inaccurate, attacking me because of the blog. If there were an antonym for ministry, that would be the best descriptor. I expect it came from fear, which devolved to anger. I don't think this person meant to be as hurtful as they were. I think they don't understand their power, especially with people like me.

Since that day (maybe six weeks ago), it has been much harder to write the blog. It's the only thing like it I've received, and I've gotten quite a bit of positive feedback, often from UU ministers. So I ask myself why has this had such an impact on me?

The answer is still not entirely clear to me, but I can tell you pieces. The biggest one I suspect is that it's a shortcut back to the bad-old-days. For me the worst wasn't what I filed the complaint about. It was the aftermath -- the way the minister reacted and the support he received, particularly from congregants and (here's the key piece) other ministers.

In my eyes, ministers lined up against me. Rank by rank they stood with whom? At that time, I didn't have any UU minister willing to stand with me, even though many knew that what he had done was wrong. He even had a Good Offices person -- official ministerial support -- or so it looked to me. About the best I had was silence, and silence is typically a vote in favor of a perpetrator.

Years later I found out that in fact some UU ministers were telling him that what he had done was wrong and that he should resign. But I didn't know that at the time. They certainly weren't telling me.

Fast forward to 2007. The minister who attacked me said they forwarded this hurtful email to various UU leaders. They didn't copy me when they did this, so I'm unclear exactly whom they sent it to and what else they might have said. Only one of these recipients has reached out to me, and that was when I requested it.

So, to oversimplify, the crux is that I experience this as revictimization. I don't use this word lightly. Far from it. And to be clear, it's like dipping my hand back into old experiences. It's nowhere near as bad as it once was. I could, and will in time, reach out and heal from this particular blow. I even know whom I will go to, my minister being one.

But what about the next time? As long as I write this blog, with a lack of good leadership around ministerial misconduct in the highest UU echelons, won't it always be the same for me? I'm not about being a victim. I aim to strive mightily, but constructively. I'm not interested in using my energy to fight. If my help is wanted, I'm there -- willing to give it my best. If I get slapped, the best choice is not to turn the other cheek. Nor is it to fight back. It's to walk away, which maybe is pretty close to turning the other cheek. There are plenty of other constructive things I can and will do.

The way the UUA is handling misconduct is wrong. Period. I'm glad to help untangle what the problems really are, and am very sympathetic with the extremely difficult roadblocks the leadership faces. But if there is one thing I learned as a victim of misconduct, it's to trust my gut, and get away if that's the best option. I'm not willing to do this work at the expense of respect and right relations.

So that's the worst of it. Other pieces have to do with the reality that this is ultimately not my problem. It is, of course, the UUA's. And there is good news on this front. I've heard that the Board has requested that Rev. Fred Muir attend their next meeting. I don't know in what capacity, but I have no doubt if the Board is willing to hear what he has to say, it will help -- maybe even set things back on a good path.

Also, I've heard of a local UU ministers' chapter that is working on these issues. That may only be local (and not even in my locale), but still it is heartening for me to hear.

As another former victim put it to me, we do seem to have a network growing. A network is much more needed than my particular voice. It's UUs living our seventh principle. I will take that any day over feeling safe in writing this blog.