Is My Silence Just a Dogwood Winter?

The trees and flowers are starting to recover from a nasty cold snap in our part of the world, and we had a lovely Flower Communion, honoring the difficulties of the past few weeks. To my amazement, the minister in some of her words honored this very blog. Typing this, I start to cry. It was so unexpected, and even though it was only for a second and something almost the entire congregation missed, that’s clearly what it was.

She said I ministered with this work. Can you believe it? I hardly can. These last few weeks I have withdrawn, struggling with how to deal with my anger over the way victims of UU clergy misconduct, including me, have been treated recently by those with power

The best solution seemed to be to walk away. Truly, that may still be the best solution. I don’t know. But for the first time since the worst blow of recent weeks, I am trying to be open to other possibilities.

I don’t know what that might look like. So let me talk instead about what I think the most serious problem is at the moment. I believe it is that the UUA’s leadership is profoundly ignorant about clergy misconduct.

I say profoundly because I observe that those who take the lead in this arena don’t realize just how little they understand. I don’t mean to be insulting. It’s just that the more I know of what’s happening at 25 Beacon St., the more obvious this is to me. And it’s more serious than simple ignorance. They not only make poor decisions and do great damage in the way they interact with victims, they have the potential to misinform others in leadership who are simply ignorant. I think, for example, of our moderator. As far as I know she doesn’t know much about misconduct and would be the first to tell you that. What is the MFC telling her? I wonder.

Victims of clergy misconduct are every bit as much the UUA as “they” are. In fact, I expect some of “them” are victims of sexual abuse, if not clergy misconduct. An even uglier possibility is that there are still a few perpetrators or those who have colluded with perpetrators in our leadership.

Every way I look at it I see people who haven’t and don’t deal well with clergy misconduct running the show. Of course, very few people do since there aren’t good mechanisms in place. It’s a bleak no-man’s land out there when it comes to recovering from misconduct. Unfortunately, “they” are the ones who have the power to change this landscape at the associational level. But how can they do it right if they repeatedly hurt those who know first-hand about the harm done? I can assure you I'm not eager to talk after having been hurt one too many times. And I know others who feel the same way. I suspect the fastest and easiest way out of this nasty mess is for them to quite simply say that they are sorry for the mistakes they have made. And to mean it. It comes back to apology.

I don’t know much about alcoholism and AA, but I suspect it’s like that. The first step is to accept the ugly truth. I’m almost certain it’s not what “they” fear – and there’s a good chance it’s not as bad as they fear. But by trying to blockade it, whatever the reasons and however they do it, “they” make it much worse.

I keep putting this third person talk in quotes because I’m so sad about the polarization that has happened. It should not be “us” the victims vs. “them” the leadership. I think we have the same goal – a healthy, flourishing ministry. But unfortunately that’s the framework “they” have set up. By undermining people like me, they divide us even further. Everyone loses, but our faith and the credibility of Unitarian Universalism lose most of all.