Two More Tools for Letting Go

I think I found two more tools today in my quest for letting go of anger over the injustices of clergy misconduct. The first came over lunch today, with one of the officers of our church. We’re lucky to have this woman on the Board. She's knowledgeable, kind, hard-working and very experienced with the UUA. She wasn’t around during our worst years, yet she doesn’t say the thing many do: “I wasn’t there, so I can’t understand.” Instead, when it’s needed she jumps right in and tries to understand – and I think she does.

As our conversation unfolded, we both agreed strongly that it’s likely that one of the core problems with the UUA leadership right now is not understanding that a few of their colleagues have serious personality disorders. We sympathize with them for not getting this. Neither of us has a background in psychology. I’ve had to learn the hard way how different an abusive personality is. I didn’t understand what was going on nearly as quickly as the mental health professionals did. I was used to a model of people not being perfect, but basically decent. I was projecting myself on them. And that’s what we think many UU leaders are doing with clergy who have abused congregants. They think it was just a misstep – that the accused minister is basically decent. They project themselves on to their colleagues. Most of the time this would probably be just fine. But not with clergy who have sexually abused others and never repented it.

This is a thought I’ve had a lot in recent months, and generally as happened today, others agree. The difference is that today I realized I could recall this piece as a way to calm down and let go. It doesn't matter that I'm not certain that's what's going on. It's a reasonable hypothesis, gives me sympathy for them, and helps me let go.

The second came on the heels of this validation. Again I’ve known for a while that the anger is in fact a mask covering fear – that it’s a biologic response having to do with self-preservation. What I was missing is that the fear is well founded. My fear is that UUA leadership will harshly mistreat me again. This is, in fact, extremely likely.

I had a fifth grade teacher who called the adrenalin of fear “fight or flight juice.” As I keep saying – I want to walk away. That’s the flight. But things keep tugging me back – even as directly as people asking me to talk to UUA leaders – when I don’t want to fight. I don’t want the anger.

So here’s the second tool. I don’t have to engage any more with UUA leaders. If they come and ask respectfully, then talking with them probably would be worth the cost of the pain of remembering all of the degradation, isolation, and so forth. But that’s unlikely to happen and that’s okay. There’s the key; I'm okay with that. It’s not revenge. It’s not acceptance. It’s just letting go.