Don’t Report Sexual Harassment

Have you heard of Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success? I hadn’t until today. But I just ran across a book review and it mentioned some of Penelope Trunk’s advice: “They say report sexual harassment. I say don’t.”

Reading this was one of those moments for me – a domino effect happening in my head. It boils down to....

If you are a victim of UU clergy misconduct, don’t report it.

Of course, there’s more nuance than that, and a ton of information behind it. It’s not as if I’m saying this out of the blue. Hopefully, you’ve gotten a sense of that from reading this blog. If you have, you know I wouldn’t have said this six months ago. I’ve evolved to this point after interacting with both recent victims of UU misconduct and some of the people who have the power to change the way it’s handled. If you’ve read this blog, you also know I’m not casting blame.

I’m simply saying, don’t do it. “They say report. I say don’t.” I gather her premise is it’s not smart. That’s certainly my premise. There is a trail of tears, which, like the original trail, seems to matter to very few. But it matters to me, and it should matter to you if you are a victim. Chances are you’ve gone through hell. Don’t make it worse.

Think.... Whose problem is a misconducting UU minister really? The MFC’s? You bet. The UUMA’s? Absolutely. The UUA’s. Of course. The minister’s church? No question. The victim’s? Absolutely not.

To be clear, by “don’t report it,” I mostly mean don’t file a formal complaint. I don’t mean you shouldn’t tell anyone. It’s even okay in my opinion to tell the UUA, as long as you make it clear they do not have your permission to share your name or to consider you a complainant. Just do what feels safest. And be very careful. One good option is contacting Marie Fortune’s Institute. [8/18 update: the Institute can no longer assist individuals. Please see the Postscript for more information.]

If you’re like other victim/survivors I know, you’re worried the minister is going to hurt others the same way s/he hurt you. That was the biggest hook for me. And it’s a very real issue. People will tell you that if you don’t say something, then the powers-that-be can’t do anything. There’s merit to this argument. What it overlooks is that if you do say something, the powers-that-be still won’t do anything to take care of the real problem. Not now. In the past they tried to do the right thing, and came closer to succeeding. Instead as things currently stand, they will put you through an ill-defined and anything-but-transparent process and the case will appear to you to go into a black hole. To the best of my knowledge, it’s a universally horrific ordeal. You will be treated as if you are the problem, and your life (which is probably already quite difficult) will be made much more difficult by the UUA. In the end, you won't even know if or when it's resolved.

There are also the twin seductresses of ministry and justice. It’s quite normal to assume that, since this is a religious association and grievous damage has been done to you in its name, the response to you will be ministerial in some measure. Chances are that some of the individuals actually will treat you in a ministerial fashion. But it’s not part of the process and in the end doesn’t begin to balance out the harm done. In fact, it can be confusing. If X is ministerial toward you, but still lets Y happen, what does that mean about you, ministry, etc., etc. It’s a rocky course for a person whose trust in ministry has already been broken.

As for justice, clergy misconduct is not generally understood as a justice issue by the UUA. Its process therefore has nothing to do with it. At best, you will end up feeling cynical about UUA leaders. They talk wonderful justice talk, but in this area where you know what they could do, they fail to walk their talk.

What you are responsible for is your own life. I know it can be very hard – not unlike ending a marriage. I’ve had to walk away from church and faith at times, sometimes believing and accepting that it was forever. I’d invested much of my life into my church and the UUA, and it was anything but easy. But it was the smart thing to do.

One day, perhaps soon, there may come a time when it's all right to report clergy misconduct. But the UUA has a long way to go. They've lost a lot of ground in recent years. Just remember, though... that’s not my problem and it’s not yours either. Take good care of yourself. Read smart books, find another church, love those who love you, blog, play, write bad poetry, sing bawdy songs, climb Mt. Everest, whatever. Sometimes a life well lived is simply the best.