The Chief Happiness Officer has a wonderful article on the power of apology: A tale of two airlines - Or why every company needs a Chief Apology Officer
Wouldn't a Chief Apology Officer be a great position at the UUA? Not a fun job, of course, but what a ministry. I suspect they'd easily recoup their salary in grateful donations from those who feel heard, rather than disenfranchised. And if Southwest Airlines can do it, surely we can too?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I Must Answer Yes to Truth
"I must answer, Yes, to truth." Those were words in our closing hymn this morning, echoed moments before in the sermon. I had to bolt for the door, as the waves of sadness hit me.
Don’t get me wrong. It was a wonderful service and sermon. Just very hard. It’s all context isn’t it?
I used to take this idea so earnestly – basically still do. But does the UUA? Or the MFC? When faced with a report of sexual abuse by one their ministers? The sad truth is, of course, that, No, they don’t.
Should UUA leaders read these words, I expect they will be offended. And I’m sorry for that. That's certainly not my intent. But that’s the thing with saying yes to truth, isn’t it? The truth isn’t always what we want to hear. I’m sadder than words can ever say that some in our ministry abuse their power so heinously. But I’m even sadder that those who have the courage to speak this truth are treated as badly as they are.
One other thing from today’s service... Did you know the reason adults finally started seeing Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street happened in the wake of a string of high profile stories about pedophilia? I had no idea. The writers were concerned that by having adults refuse to believe Big Bird, despite the fact that he was telling the truth, they were scaring children into thinking that their parents wouldn’t believe them if they had been sexually abused and that they'd be better off remaining silent.
Go Sesame Street! How I wish victims of UU clergy misconduct could speak. But we’re better off remaining silent. One happy thought: I guess this makes me Big Bird. And how I love Big Bird. But won’t you take me back to Sesame Street?
Don’t get me wrong. It was a wonderful service and sermon. Just very hard. It’s all context isn’t it?
I used to take this idea so earnestly – basically still do. But does the UUA? Or the MFC? When faced with a report of sexual abuse by one their ministers? The sad truth is, of course, that, No, they don’t.
Should UUA leaders read these words, I expect they will be offended. And I’m sorry for that. That's certainly not my intent. But that’s the thing with saying yes to truth, isn’t it? The truth isn’t always what we want to hear. I’m sadder than words can ever say that some in our ministry abuse their power so heinously. But I’m even sadder that those who have the courage to speak this truth are treated as badly as they are.
One other thing from today’s service... Did you know the reason adults finally started seeing Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street happened in the wake of a string of high profile stories about pedophilia? I had no idea. The writers were concerned that by having adults refuse to believe Big Bird, despite the fact that he was telling the truth, they were scaring children into thinking that their parents wouldn’t believe them if they had been sexually abused and that they'd be better off remaining silent.
Go Sesame Street! How I wish victims of UU clergy misconduct could speak. But we’re better off remaining silent. One happy thought: I guess this makes me Big Bird. And how I love Big Bird. But won’t you take me back to Sesame Street?
Monday, July 16, 2007
Today my heart aches
I read the news yesterday about the Archdiocese of Los Angeles settling with victims. Yesterday I thought, "I should be happy for them." Even the headline noted what to me would be the most important -- more important than $660 million. An apology. So I should rejoice for them.
But this morning I turned on the TV and there was a woman just a little younger than me trying to talk to the press and crying. She was so clearly reliving bits and pieces of the horror. She was quite upset, and I was with her. I expect in some measure she is happy and relieved, but the cost is so unimaginably huge. If it were me, when facing the press I would be reliving the horror of not having been heard in the past. Why does it take lawyers and the press to be believed and listened to? What does this say about our religions? What does this say about us?
I bet that's it. That's usually it when I talk to others who have gone through this. UU, Catholic, Episcopalian, Buddhist, male, female, straight, gay, young, old. It doesn't matter. It's all the same. It's not being heard by leadership that is the worst -- much worse than the original horror. And then, the next day, I would feel so very trapped in that reality. That's what breaking the silence does. It traps you there, paralyzing the other parts of your life. I pray for her sake and all the others courageous enough to speak their truth that now they may truly and completely lay this burden down. I pray that the burden will now and forevermore be shouldered by those with power.
And I pray that our faith knows and understands that there, but for the grace of God or sheer dumb luck, go we. Our procedures are in shambles and our leadership does not listen to victims. Just read the policies. It's quite clear whom they listen to. It probably isn't malicious, but it doesn't matter. In a way, that makes it even more devastating. You can bet if the press ever talked to me (please God no), that I would cry my way through talking about UUs hating me for simply speaking the truth -- about how it damaged my life, my family's life, my children's lives and my congregation's life.
Bear in mind I'm part of a success story. I won, my family and congregation are thriving, and still, I sit here aching to my core. It's because of how more recent victims of UU misconduct have been treated. Our leadership is no longer listening.
So I also pray for UU humility. I pray that our leadership has the grace not to feel, much less act, superior to the Catholic leadership. In my most hopeful moments, I hope they connect the dots and realize that Cardinal Mahoney is their face. And the woman crying? She's the face of all congregations damaged by misconduct.
But this morning I turned on the TV and there was a woman just a little younger than me trying to talk to the press and crying. She was so clearly reliving bits and pieces of the horror. She was quite upset, and I was with her. I expect in some measure she is happy and relieved, but the cost is so unimaginably huge. If it were me, when facing the press I would be reliving the horror of not having been heard in the past. Why does it take lawyers and the press to be believed and listened to? What does this say about our religions? What does this say about us?
I bet that's it. That's usually it when I talk to others who have gone through this. UU, Catholic, Episcopalian, Buddhist, male, female, straight, gay, young, old. It doesn't matter. It's all the same. It's not being heard by leadership that is the worst -- much worse than the original horror. And then, the next day, I would feel so very trapped in that reality. That's what breaking the silence does. It traps you there, paralyzing the other parts of your life. I pray for her sake and all the others courageous enough to speak their truth that now they may truly and completely lay this burden down. I pray that the burden will now and forevermore be shouldered by those with power.
And I pray that our faith knows and understands that there, but for the grace of God or sheer dumb luck, go we. Our procedures are in shambles and our leadership does not listen to victims. Just read the policies. It's quite clear whom they listen to. It probably isn't malicious, but it doesn't matter. In a way, that makes it even more devastating. You can bet if the press ever talked to me (please God no), that I would cry my way through talking about UUs hating me for simply speaking the truth -- about how it damaged my life, my family's life, my children's lives and my congregation's life.
Bear in mind I'm part of a success story. I won, my family and congregation are thriving, and still, I sit here aching to my core. It's because of how more recent victims of UU misconduct have been treated. Our leadership is no longer listening.
So I also pray for UU humility. I pray that our leadership has the grace not to feel, much less act, superior to the Catholic leadership. In my most hopeful moments, I hope they connect the dots and realize that Cardinal Mahoney is their face. And the woman crying? She's the face of all congregations damaged by misconduct.
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